Secrets
by ProudToBeSlytherin
Summary: Everyone has secrets. Though not a lot of people have secrets as bad as Cassidy Beckams. (entree for the 100k multichapter competition) Rated T for self harm, bulimea, suicidal thoughts, cursing, and any chapters rated M will be labled
1. Cassidy's Story

**If it says 'Taylor' anywhere, sorry about that I changed her name**

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Everyone has secrets. James Potter had secrets. Lily Evans had secrets. Sirius Black had secrets. Remus Lupine had secrets. And Cassidy Beckam had secrets. Secrets are part of human nature. Telling other peoples secrets also is. It's just what people do in general. That why some secrets are meant to be shared, and some are meant to be taken to the grave.

The Potters and the Beckams were family friends. Which is why over the summer, instead of staying with her cousin, Cassidy occupied the spare bedroom next to James's one. Over time, the two teens went from being family friends to just good friends. The kind of friends you choose to be around. Cassidy was just as foolish as the Marauders. She was a hopeless romantic, just like how James was with Lily. Yet she was still very much of a player similar to Sirius. Cassidy was rational and could talk James out of anything, quite like Remus. And both her and Peter were outsiders of the group. But she was only an outsider because she was a girl.

Even though she was what everyone called a 'technical Marauder' (meaning she was, yet at the same time she wasn't part of the group), she still kept secrets from them. As far as the Potters were concerned, her parents went away all summer every summer and that was why she always stayed with them. In actuality, her parents hated and beat her. They were the only ones who ever thought about her parents. No one else ever considered anything about her family life. In addition to the secret of her parents, no one knew what was hidden under her robes. Her arms were covered in a combination of scars and fresh cuts which was like a piece of artwork to her. She was unhealthily skinny. Everyone thought she just had a high metabolism. The reality was that yes she did have a high metabolism, but she barely let any of her food have an opportunity to digest.

Everyday she found herself on the floor of the girls lavatory about four times. On her knees, bent over a toilet. Once after breakfast but before classes. Once after lunch. Another time after dinner. And one more time before bed just to make sure she didn't miss any food that could have possibly gone down. No one was ever suspicious. After all, she ate a substantial amount of food. To the point where she should have been teetering somewhere remotely around a bit over weight. The boys didn't understand a girls body so they didn't wonder too much. The girls just thought she was lucky to look so perfectly skinny. But they never saw her ribs which stuck out. Sometimes they saw her collarbones which were much to prominent. But some peoples collarbones were just like that.

Her day was usually full of lots of movement. After all, she was a Marauder and her best friend was Lily Evans. Cassidy never tried to get Lily into the group. She knew the way she felt about James. And the way she said she thought about him. So she respected that she didn't want to get into that. However, the one thing she couldn't stop James from doing was approaching her and trying to win the poor girls heart. Lots of times, she just stood back and watched with the rest if the boys.

One winter day, she was in the common room with her best friend. They were talking about the normal stuff teenage girls talked about. The Marauders sauntered through the door, much to Lily's dismay. James came over to the two and sat between them and began to strike up conversation with the red haired girl. Laughing silently to herself, Cassidy stood up, struggling a bit due to the fact that James had practically sat on her, and stood with the rest of the group.

"Merlin, it's kind of pathetic really." Sirius said, crossing her arms. "He can't only go after her, he has to broaden his horizons so he doesn't seem desperate."

Cassidy scoffed at him, "No wonder you never get laid, you don't know how to get a girl." Turning to face him, she put her hands on her boney hips. Though to her, all she felt was fat. She didn't feel the indent of hip bone that stuck out into her hand. She just felt the fact that her hips had some sort of width. "Let me teach you, Sirius." She said to some her attention, "A girl would much rather prefer a love sick puppy type like James than a flirt and a man whore type like you. So if you want some action, you might want to work on that."

A smirk spread onto the boys lips, "So you're saying if I was more like a drooling idiot you'd be wiling to sleep with me?"

At this point James and Lily were no longer in their conversation. Cassidy was tankful they were the only ones in the common room. If anyone else were there, she'd probably die of embarrassment. Around her friends, she was a confident head-held-high kind of girl. But when they weren't around she was an embarrassed, self incriminating mess. She closed her eyes for a moment to keep her demeanor composed before opening her eyes and facing Sirius again.

"That is not what I said, Black." She said, shifting her weight to her left leg. "What I said is that if maybe you showed some dedication and just a little bit of a care for a girl, any girl, then maybe they'd be more accepting of your sickly fantasies. Any girl, but me."

Sirius stepped forward until he was only an inch, perhaps just centimeters, away from her. One of his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer to him. His hand on his other arm found it's way to under her chin, forcing her face to be locked into it's position. "I know you fancy me, Cassidy. Everyone does. So just submit to me already."

The girl put her hands on his chest and pushed him away just enough so that she was no longer in his tight grasp. Moving her hair out of her eyes, she took a deep breath to recompose herself. "The only reason you think I fancy you is because you're completely smitten with me. That's really what everyone knows. You're the one who should be submitting. Not to me, but to your feelings for me. So you have fun doing that, I'm going to bed."

In one swift motion, Cassidy turned on her heels and walked up the stairs to her dorm, making sure not to go to fast, and quickly shut the door. Not too loud, but also not too quietly. Just loud enough for them to hear it and to hear the seriousness in her actions. Gathering her night clothes and her bag of toiletries, she went into the bathroom and locked the door.

Undressing until she was in her underwear, she looked at herself in the mirror. She was a pretty girl. Cassidy had long blond hair, with side bangs that covered her left eye. Her skin was on the pale side which she liked. It wasn't a sickly pale shade, but more of a 'I just don't go out in the sun during the summer' kind of skin color. Her lips were light pink and chapped, but she didn't really care about that too much. Cassidy looked into the eyes of the reflection in front of her. The eyes were grey and revealed the inner depression she was battling if she looked hard enough. Those eyes were so different now in her fifth year than on the first day of school in her first year. They were so filled with excitement and happiness then. Oh how she longed to go back.

Cassidy completed her nightly routine before heading to bed. This consisted of getting changed to her night clothes, brushing out her golden hair, taking off her make up, running a blade across her skin until she was satisfied with the new addition to her masterpiece, kneeling in front of the toilet and sticking her fingers down her throat, then more than thoroughly brushing her teeth so no one would smell the vomit on her breath. It was satisfying to her. It gave her the ability to lay in bed with some sort of content feeling. The emptiness in her stomach was like a silent lullaby. And the heat being emitted from her wrist was a warmth that no blanket could give her.

Slowly, she drifted off to sleep, not very excited about getting up in the morning as usual.


	2. A Not-So-Average Morning

**If it says 'Taylor' anywhere, then sorry about that I changed her name**

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"Cassidy, wake up!"

Cassidy's sleepy grey eyes opened slowly to see Lily shaking her awake. With a loud a drawn out groan, she sat upright and looked at her. Lily was already dressed and ready to face the day. Which could mean it was either 6:30 AM or 1 PM. Looking over at the clock, she saw that it was half past twelve. She groaned again and stood up pulling the sleeves of her jumper down. Lily smiled at her.

"You slept in longer than James." She laughed

Taylor raised an eyebrow at her best friend, "Oh? So now you know his sleeping patters.

"No." She pouted, her cheeks beginning to turn the color of her hair, "But he was the last one of them up today and he's been up for a good hour and a half."

"Oh." She responded, a bit disappointed. Cassidy always wanted James and Lily to date. Ever since he first ranted about how amazing she was back in first year. Now they were in fifth and e only thing that changed was that now Lily was actually kind of willing to have a conversation with the boy. Sooner or later, Cassidy hoped, she would realize her true feelings for him and they would be the perfect couple everyone knew they would be.

Cassidy got ready as fast as she could, changing into sneakers, skinny jeans, and a black jumper. She was careful not to show any of her cuts, either from in the past or the night before. Then she made her way down stairs, her slightly energetic demeanor deflating when she saw Sirius. Looking as smug as ever. After their conversation the night before, she wasn't looking forward to another one. Cassidy reached the bottom of the stairs with Lily close behind. James' attention moved from his friends to the red haired girl immediately.

Not wanting to join in on the conversation between Remus and Peter (and Sirius, of course), Cassidy picked up a book and sat down on the couch. Opening the leather cover, she flipped through the pages until she found the small triangle that had been folded on the top of the page. Just as she began to read, she had caught the eye of a certain boy. Sirius walked over to her and leaned over the back if the sofa, looking over her shoulder.

"I can feel you breathing down my neck, you know." Cassidy said, not looking away from her book. "What exactly is it that you need right now, Sirius?"

Sirius wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder. "Why, it's you that I need, darling."

Cassidy felt butterflied erupt in her stomach at his words and his actions. The way that she fit perfectly in his arms and his chin rested comfortably on her shoulder. "Oh?" She managed to say. Merlin what was going on. Could she... No she couldn't be... Falling for him? Maybe she was... No, no, no.

Sirius' mouth was ever so slightly pressed against the side of her face, right above the crook of her neck. "How could I not want you?" Cassidy gripped her book until her knuckles went white to prevent having any sort of a reaction that he would notice. She couldn't give in to him. After all, she knew what he wanted. He wanted a reaction out of her. Sirius wanted her to want him. Even if she did, she couldn't let it show.

"Because I'm-" she stopped herself. What was she supposed to say? In her head, her mind was saying 'because I'm disgustingly fat and ugly'. But she knew that if she let her true feelings about herself out everyone would be all worried about her and trying to help her. She didn't need help. Cassidy didn't think she needed to be helped. There was nothing wrong with what she was doing. She bit her lip, thinking her reply very carefully. "Because I'm not your type."

Sirius looked at her, genuinely taken aback a bit. Of course she was his type. His type usually consisted of girls who were only a few inches shorter than him, long hair, a pretty smile, and a small waist. To him, Cassidy fit his 'type' perfectly. For a few moments, he true,y didn't know what to say. "Yes you are." He said, after he'd composed himself. Their eyes met when she turned her head to look at him for the first time all morning.

"Whatever you say." She said before looking back down at her boon and pretending to read again. Cassidy was not about to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his words were making her nervous in a crush kind of way. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw this predicament and decided that this was the time to intervene. He walked over the the two teens.

"Come on then, she's obviously not into you." He said, grabbing Sirius' shoulder and pulling him up so he was no longer hunched over her. Cassidy shot Remus a thankful look for getting the boy off of her. He gave her a smile in response before looking back at the shaggy haired boy. "I took pride in you to think that Cassidy was the one girl sacred enough for you not to hit on."

Sirius crossed his arms, "Aw, lighten up." He said, "And I've held off for this long so I think I deserve to try and go after her."

Cassidy shifted in her seat a bit. Something about this conversation made her wish she were anywhere else. Even in the Slytherin common room. Hearing Sirius talk about her like that made her nervous. Did this mean he fancied her? And if so, did she fancy him back? Cassidy abruptly stood up, keeping her back to everyone in fear her expression was just as distraught as she felt. Fists clenched a bit, she started walking to the door.

"I'll meet you guys at breakfast in a little bit." she said, "I have something I need to take care of."

Once out of sight of her friends, Cassidy broke into a sprint in the direction of the nearest girls lavatory. Bursting through the door, she checked to make sure no one was present and quickly locked herself in the closest stall. She dropped to her knees in front of the toiled and leaned over the rim. Desperate to not feel so crappy anymore, she slipped two of her fingers down he throat until she felt the familiar wave come crashing through her body. Quickly pulling her fingers out, she threw up into the toilet.

Leaning her back on the stall, she coughed for a few minutes, feeling relief fill her up. She was on her way to being her goal weight, she could just feel it. Cassidy wanted to be at least ninety five pounds. She was currently one hundred and ten. Getting up, she walked out and washed her mouth thoroughly, getting the horrid taste out. Once she was satisfied, she made her way down to the Great Hall.

In the hall, she became nervous to see that the only available spot with her friends was next to Sirius. Oh joy. She took her seat next to him eating an apple as she stared off into space, she took almost no part in their conversation. Only speaking when they asked her something. After five minutes of her being almost completely silent, Sirius nudged her.

"You okay?" he asked

She gave the answer she always did. The one that was always a lie.

"I'm fine."


	3. This Is Halloween

**This chapter is going to be short but the next chapter or two will be longer I promise**

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"Fine. But only one day." grumbled Lily as she crossed her arms.

The girl had finally agreed to spend the day with the Marauders! Though she probably only agreed, because of Cassidy's worries about being pestered by Sirius again. But she still agreed. Halloween was in three days, and it wasn't truly fun if it wasn't spent with the Marauders. They were planning on sneaking off to Hogsmeade and into a bar or something. Lily knew that Cassidy would have never let her spend her Halloween night studying, which was yet another reason why she agreed. The last one was because she felt herself becoming less and less revolted by the presence of James. Whether she was going to convince herself, he wasn't so bad or to give her that last little push she needed to hate him forever.

Groggily opening the door to the balcony that overlooked Gryffindor common room, Cassidy did not see Sirius hiding behind the door. As she walked a few steps away from the door, he jumped at her from behind, yelling. Screaming, she covered her head in defense of nothing really. After her screams died down, she struggled to compose herself. She turned around to see Sirius with a stupid grin shown on his face. Cassidy was fuming with rage. Lily and the rest of the Marauders ran up the stairs after hearing the loud, high pitched noise. The red headed girl ran to her best friend while the boys all laughed a bit together.

"Are you okay?" she asked, putting her hands with assurance on Cassidy's shoulders.

She brushed her hair out of her face. "I'm perfect." A wide smile spread across her lips. "You know what this means?"

Lily raised an eyebrow at her. "Revenge?" she asked.

"Revenge." Cassidy repeated.

"Aw, come on Beckam." Sirius said, behind her. Cassidy turned to face him, who forcing the mischievous smirk to disappear from her expression. "It's Halloween."

She smiled sweetly at him, "Absolutely, Black. That's why, today, you better watch your back."

The boys 'oooh'ed at her response. For a split second, Sirius looked worried. He'd seen before Cassidy get back at someone. And it usually wasn't pretty. The last person she got back at was too scared to walk by her in the hall. The Marauders could tease someone silly, but the blonde girl was a ruthless one. But he didn't let his growing anxiety show. "Trying to scare me, eh?"

"No." she said, "I'm trying to be nice by warning you." and with that she turned on her heels and walked down to the Great Hall.

Later that night, Lily and Cassidy were in their dorm getting dressed up for their Halloween night. Lily was being ironic and was dressing up as how Muggles depicted witches. She was dressed in a simple dress and a witches hat. Cassidy, however, was doing what Muggle teenage girls used for Halloween for. To basically dress like a hooker. This was all part of her plan to torture Sirius. She was dressed in a black dress that was skin tight and only just barely covered her bum. It was perfect. Also, she finally got the chance to wear her six inch black heels. When she found out they were going into town for the holiday she'd made black cat ears and had attached them to a headband. Her make-up was her usual every day routine that consisted of foundation, concealer, and black winged eyeliner. In addition, she also applied red lipstick before and drew on cat whiskers and a nose.

Lily gasped when Cassidy walked out of the bathroom in her costume. "Oh Merlin, you look so cute! And skinny, wow."

Cassidy felt skinny. She'd forced herself to throw up an extra time that day, knowing full well what dress she was going to be wearing. "Aw, thanks Lil. And you look adorable too."

The two girls walked out of their dorm and down to the common room, where the Marauders were standing around. When she walked in, James was obviously completely taken with Lily. Seeing his dumbfounded reaction made her blush. Cassidy didn't notice, but she was being stared at as well. Mostly by Sirius. Remus was, however, looking at her. He was the first ever to notice how scarily skinny the girl looked. But he didn't dwell on his suspicions, possibly thinking (that) she was just tall and so her body weight was spread out, with a look for Cassidy watched curiously. Sirius, on the other hand, just gaped at her. She was so beautiful. He was never fully aware of just how attractive she really was. Cassidy noticed him looking at her, and walked over to him.

"You okay?" she asked him sweetly.

He swallowed the large lump in his throat, "Y-yeah. I'm fine. Perfectly fine."

Cassidy smirked a bit, turning to face the rest of the group. "Why don't we get going then?"


End file.
